there's nothing worse than [ uncertainty ]

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Tiong Bahru Plaza

it's not grand. it's not huge. but i feel that it has a very personal feel to it. haha. been there 3 times in 1 week. actually, we went there so many times cuz it's near and we havent got time to go elsewhere. just got home from there in fact. hee. went to eat dinner there. both the ATM there were out of order. and both pau and me were rather broke. just had enough for 2 hot dog meals. haha. we were just saying that we should keep our eyes open for people we know so that we can borrow money. we did meet someone but it's after we have finished eating though. hee.

was at the bus-stop then there's this group of kids standing in front of us. maybe primary 5, 6 like that? oh man. they damn asuming can. they were trying to act cool. and failing terribly. one of the guys kept throwing the ball, playing with it. then his friends would talk in this very loud voice, you know, those voice ah bengs use to attract attention? ya. that's the one. it was so entertaining to see them act that i didnt even notice the guy that came up to me. it was only when he said 'hi' then i noticed him. it was ws and his bro. i must say that ws looked much better in causal clothes than in those poser clothes. and he looks better when he doesn't comb his hair. haha. not bad. i think my primary 6 class got quite a number of presentable guys. hee. seriously they are all quite good-looking. shu, don't comment if you have nothing good to say about them ah... haha... anyway, ws was eating his ice-cream while his bro just stood next to him. when he finally introduced his bro, his bro just said, "thanks ah." haha. talked a little with ws before he left. our bus took damn long to come. as usual.

really glad this year old friends seem to pop into my social circle once again. tried recalling how ky, sam or ws got into the picture, but couldnt really remember. no matter how, i'm just thankful they are there now. life would be boring without friends like them. :) they create memories for me to look back upon and smile.

oh. and old friends seem to appear at TB too. first time we went this week, we saw irene. second time, we saw chellie and her family. third, we saw ws. hee. pau and i were saying we should go there more often, then maybe can meet more people. it's a great feeling seeing them even if they ain't close friends of mine. i just can't explain why. i just feel happy. haha.

and one great news: HL broke the national record for shotput. haha. ms g first thing messaged pau and me the news and asked us to go celebrate for him. i think he was the one who requested asking us to go celebrate with him. umm. we must be very nice people cuz he seem to like us. haha. -thick skin- so for the third time in the week, ms g treated us. this time it's vietnam food. haha. first was thai, then jap and now vietnam. such variety. actually she wanted to go foodcourt to eat, but pau, hl and me wanted to treat her for once so we lied that we wanna go somewhere else to eat. when the bill came, she didnt let us pay. she said we could treat her some other time in the future. she's so nice. anyway, she said it's mr seow's money. haha. she had thought we purposely wanted to take advantage of her, asking her to treat more expensive things. how could she think that of us? tsk tsk. well, at least now she knows.

if i ever be a teacher in the future, ms g will be my role model. i mean, she can teach well, just look at her class. so many people went RI, RV etc. all good schools. and at the same time, she has a good relationship with her students. she's like one of us when she's not teaching us. yesterday she was trying to make hl say who liked wl before. haha. she's a very fun teacher. i think she's the only teacher i really liked. she was the one who gave me new life experiences. like helping her with her wedding preparation. holding food-fair in class. birthday celebrations. facing a scary teacher like her. they weren't all good but i believe all these will help me get by in life. life can't always be good all the time right?

;)

*-went little india today before going to pau's house. GO went there to thread her eyebrow. went along to accompany her. we took one big round to get to little india. so stupid right? but now we know. just take 67 from school. anyway, we walked so long before we finally found the place. didn't know little india is so big. must go explore other parts of singpore after o's too. and also took the new mrt line for the first time today. GO said it's times like this that she loves singapore. haha.-*

JoC was confused at 9:43 PM

-•- Thursday, July 10, 2003

The Bachelor

forgot to mention that: there's an upcoming THE BACHELOR - SINGAPORE STYLE coming soon. stay tuned to your tv sets. haha. just kidding. it won't be shown on tv but it's going on. and guess who's the first ever s'pore bachelor? none other than my friend. haha. we all laughed so much when he first told us. i mean the idea of having the bachelor game in the first place is amusing. throw in a guy i know, it just totally crack me up.

"tall, dark and handsome" was what his friends describe him. haha. i'm sure about the tall and dark part, but the handsome part... eh... still can lahz... shall not be too bad... haha.... it's highly entertaining to read the letters the girls wrote to him. some sounded desperate, and one didn't even want to be in the game, but we chose her anyway. for fun, laughter, peace and joy. hee. even got one from pam anderson. so lame can. one of the joy of being in a mixed school, you can play such things. miss being in a mixed school. it's no fun facing all girls all day. the only teasing you can do is if only you know the person well enough to know who she likes. well, most of the time, you don't. blah. still remember how we used to tease people who just happen to sit together, even if they don't like each other.

anyway, i was saying that someone should get a video-cam and tape it down and show it to us next time. haha. if they follow the same rules, he would have to visit the final few girls' families. that would be the highlight of the game. hee.

sam keep saying i'm very bad to ky, keep diao-ing him. but i was just kidding what. i diao anyone if the chance comes up. it's not totally my fault that the chances to diao him come up more often than not. haha. but seriously, i don't really mean those diao-ing words. but think of this in a different way, you only diao someone if you truly dislike him or when you are close enough to him to know he won't mind. since the first is not true, that leaves the second option, which is a good thing. hee. i think i'm just thinking of excuses to explain my actions. ok ok. i shall try to be nice to him. (now i know why they say you should not be a nice guy, cuz you would be taken advantage of. ok, in this case, kanna diao. haha.)

actually reading a chinese book now. it's quite interesting. ming nian ge ni song hua lai. read 80plus pages so far. must be the fastest time i took to read a chinese book. haha. usually i take 1 year to finish only 1 book. most chinese books just don't appeal to me... i fall asleep while reading one... explains why my chinese is getting from bad to worse. must scape at least an a2 or else it's back to chinese in jc, if i can get into a jc that is. my future looks bad if i base it on my mid-years results. oh well. shall not think of it yet.

shall ask pau if i can go her house on sat to do work. then go swimming at the same time. hee.

=D

JoC was confused at 10:19 PM

harbourfront

came online just to blog. feel so stoned now. feel like just going to sleep right now and wake up years later.

anyway, shall blog about what happened yesterday first. had another study group at my house and as usual i didn't get much done. only managed 2 maths assignments. HL came along this time. (he actually don't feel weird being the only sec2 there.) he didn't have any work and was studying for fun! oh man. when was the last time i ever had time to study for fun? or actually, more accurately, when was the last time i actually studied for no reason? made me feel a little bit ashamed for slacking so much. but rest assured, that feeling came and go very quickly. haha. and i noticed that sam's the most easily distracted while Hl is the least likely to be distracted. he asked if all our group study were like that, cuz we were talking and laughing more than studying. haha. think he's surprised that we don't study. can say he's very hardworking. he said he studied alot during the june hols so now nothing much to study. let me think, what was i doing during the june hols? umm.. that's right, i was slacking... hee..

study group was fun though. my mum only popped her head in once to tell me she was going down and that was it. sis wasn't home so it was peace and quiet. haha. ky tried doing maths questions but gave up after a while. Hl got bored of studying after a while and just sat there looking at us. sam made an achievement of writing half a page. pau finished all her homework. she was the only one who managed to really do work i guess. her test on sexual reproduction seem to be asking a little too many things. haha. when she asked some parts of the questions, we will burst out laughing. can you imagine that? asking guys about their structure. the function and the use of certain reaction. yep. almost rolled on the floor laughing. but i think it's good that we were able to ask such questions and not feel embarrassed by it.

ended at 7pm and went harbourfront to eat dinner. main purpose of going there was to show sam that harbourfront mrt station was at world trade centre and not at seng kang. he refused to believe us though. we suan him so much about it. haha. ate pizza cuz nothing much else to eat. all of us were broke, so could not afford much. the person took very long to deliver the pizzas to our table. and before that, after waiting for quite so time already, a lady came and told me that my pizza was sold out, asked me if i would like to change it. i looked at the menu, saw the price and said, "i got no more money, just go away." cuz i thought she was gone since she moved away from the end of the table. but then, she appeared on the other side of the table. urm. hope she didn't hear me. if she did, she pretended she did. she told me i could change to BBQ chicken and not have to top it up. so of cuz i say yes. it took damn long to come. the others about to finish eating already before mine came. but it's alright. i got a free ice-tea instead. hee. when we finally left the place, it was already 9pm. reached home at 9.24pm. lucky pau's mum didnt scold her. she must have cooled down after hearing that pau finished all her homework. oh ya. harbourfront's macs is so nice! must go there to study one day! when compared, BM's macs look so run-down. haha. anyway, i think harbourfront's a very nice place. quiet yet nice. maybe cuz it just opened not long ago. find it ridiculous that they placed at least 4 air-con in each of the passageway leading into the building and out. seem like an awful waste of electricity.

oh, and i think i should avoid being home early the next few days. the moment i came home today, my mum started complaining about my bro again. it wouldn't be that bad if i was hearing it for the first time. but no. it's the freaking don't know how many times i've heard it. she just keeps repeating her words. yes. she didn't even bothered to change the words. i tuned out, on the radio while she continued talking. she stopped after a while. i think she got the clue. not that i'm being rude or what, but it's really irritating to keep hearing about the same things and somemore things that's not your fault or business. it's not my fault he's such an idiot is it? dad made the mistake of mentioning my bro just now and encouraged another round of complaining. i just walked out of the room. i can't be bothered anymore. now, they ask me anything, i pretend not to hear them. i just ignore them. either that or i will just shake or nod my head. i have no energy to talk to them. and i don't want to say the wrong things which will lead to another round of complaining. i can't take it anymore.

chemistry start already. shall end here.

=S

JoC was confused at 8:45 PM

-•- Tuesday, July 08, 2003

why me?

each time they argue, i'm always the innocent one. i hate him. why does he always do this to me? since young, he's always trying to push the blame to me so that his fault doesn't seem that big. why have i done to deserve it? i didnt get him in trouble. i didnt tell on him. i even helped him lie. and in return this is what i get.

he overspent his money, even spending the $500 in his bank that was supposed to remain untouched. that $500 was banked in by my dad cuz the bank charge a fee if your account has less than $500 at the end of the month. and he used it. my parents called him at his camp to ask him about it. ended up with a screaming competition between my mum and him. he always try to make his fault seem small. he made my mum angry by saying things that hurt her, that blame her. he even used me. told my mum that i always say i have not enough money to use. when the heck did i tell him that? i didn't even freaking talk to him much! and even if i have not enough money to use, what has it got to do with his overspending??? i'll never take his money. it's more likely that he takes mine. already been tricked when young. he's unbelievable. my mum sorta confronted my just now. i can't believe my mum actually believed him, even if it's just for that instance. i didn't scream though. i will never win.

seems to me that no matter what, i'll somehow always get entangled in their arguements. and i can't getting affected each time. even when my parents argue, i'm stucked there. i bet when my sis grows up and argue with them, i'll still be stuck there. maybe that's my purpose in being present here. to be the person they put their faults on so theirs decrease. i remember so many times where i just stood there in front of them in the middle of their arguement while they asked me this and that, as if i was the one at fault. you could be crying, but they just keep asking. sometimes i lie cuz i was afraid he would whack me. you must understand that i was only a child then. and it's such things that hardens one's shell.

sometimes it makes me wonder why i try so hard to behave when he could just get away with even murder. was thinking of changing the venue for our study group but what the heck. why should i care if she's in a bad mood or not to plan a study group?

hell. got social studies test tomorrow. haven started yet. and it's going to be ten. biology not done. recess's gone tomorrow. so getting used to this routine.

=(

JoC was confused at 10:00 PM

decision

time: 4.47pm
day: tuesday
date: 8/7/03
decision: not gonna do the calling of him along the next time. the others can do it. i don't want it to end on a bad note anymore. and it seems to me that it only ends on a bad note each freaking time. i rather not talk then put more dents to a already failing friendship.

additional words: pau mentioned yesterday that it takes effort to keep a friendship going. true. but no matter how much effort you put in, if the other party puts in nothing, it will still fail. it's quite unfair isn't it? you put in so much but get nothing but sadness in the end. but i guess that's how life is. but no matter what, i'll still try to put in an effort i guess. at least i know i tried. that i didn't let that ship slip by without trying to pull it to the clear shores. it's hard to have friends for life, but at least live knowing you've tried, just that the wind was too strong and you are too weak to win it. it's not your fault. it's the wind's.

(.")

JoC was confused at 5:13 PM

North Bridge Road

feeling bloody tired now. i feel so dead. still got so much work to do cuz i slacked the "long" weekend away. social studies timed-trial tomorrow on s'pore separation thingy. does knowing about it actually help me? don't see myself using it in the future anyway.

oh ya. forgot to mention that i went to North Bridge Building on sunday. it's something to mention about cuz i used to have chinese tuition there. when i went in, i remembered things i thought i've forgotten about, cuz i never thought of these memories before. it's like a long past chapter of my life. and my life is not exactly very long at the time being. actually shu went there to pay her tuition fees, me and sha went to accompany her only. she wanted to wait for "juliet" to come out from tuition so i went exploring a bit. remembered the stairs that i used to race up and down with kc and his little brother. the unit where the chinese tuition class used to be, now it's a bookstore. the distinction tuition school that i went for a short while was still there. the teacher is still the same but obviously he won't be able to remember me. anyway, his wife was the one who taught me. wanted to go see the toliet but it was locked. now the place is damn rundown. but some of the shops are still there: the tea-shop, the printing shop, the trophy shop, the bookshop, distinction tuition school. the model of the building was also still there. remembered the steps where i used to wait very long for my dad to arrive to fetch me home. sometimes even waiting hours. then i remembered some of my tuition mates. i was more sociable in the past. yup. "juliet" was one of them. but don't think he remembered it.

actually "juliet" is a guy. but called him that cuz he used to be very sissy. look and act like one. then i didn't really like him too. he used to call me "wu po" (witch) can. but when i saw him on sunday, he didn't look anything like the "juliet" that i knew. he's really tall now, wear contacts now and just somehow look different. oh and he don't walk like a sissy anymore. but habits die hard, so i shall still call him "juliet". haha.

thoat hurts so much now. did the oral recording thingy and when i replayed it, it sounds like i was talking through my nose. lazy to re-record though. heck. the quality doesn't change even if my voice change a little. so meaning, even if i spoke normally, the end result will still sux. the recorder distorts people's voice. erk.

hl asking about some girl called weiting from my school. net ball. haha. trying to get him to say why he's asking about her. usually people don't ask such things without a reason. told him i don't but i know a guy from his school with the same name and he was so shocked. "what a name for a guy" was what he said. haha. he very funny actually. and sam, you read till so shuang, leave notes can not, or else i nothing to read. haha.

i hate school.

=(

JoC was confused at 4:47 PM

-•- Monday, July 07, 2003

youth's day

today was alright. turned out that so many people can not make it. so it's sam, pau, ky, hl, ned and me only. surprised that we could get along quite well with ned and hl. ned might be a nice guy afterall but he's still a two-timer. being nice doesn't change that fact.

first thing i wanna mention though is ms g can't cook nor bake. her oven has never been put to use though she bought it like 3 years ago. so we were supposed to test her oven. it kept triping the entire circuit and she got so worried that it would be bad for the lights. so she refused to let us use the oven after all. and when she read the instructions, it was so funny. "open the door. open which door? the oven door or the house door?" and ky replied, "why? scared got explosion then we must run out ah?" laughing so much at ms g. i think she really don't act like a teacher. she is just like one of us.

learnt how to play bridge today. was pairing up with ky, ms g with pau, hl with ned and irene with sam. (look, i didn't mention you first this time. haha.) hee. we won all the times we played. the losers had to drink a cup of coke in one glup. sam took so long to finish his that when he was done, the game was about over. haha. then ms g was so ji dong during the game. she was screaming and all. very amusing actually. haha.

then got to the baking, making sandwiches and making jelly. it was more like a pudding actually but at least it was nice. hee. of cuz, i make one. -thick skined- the cookies were a little burnt but it was alright. used the toaster to bake instead since ms g refused to let us use the oven. haha. i still think it's amazing how the cookies harden after you cool it. umm. ms g even called her husband abou the oven. i think ms g and her husband are such nice and fun people. they deserve to be together. :)

the rest of my entry got deleted off so i'm typing it again. argh. waste of time but if i type tomorrow, i will forget it. shit it.

ky was so quiet today. pau said he's always like that when there's alot of people. saw him stoning quite a number of times. asked him why he so quiet, he said it's nothing. he's not responding online either. when we were all chatting and making lots of noises, he was still very quiet. i guess the total number of sentences do not even make up 10. yep. that's how little he spoke.

oh was suprised irene came too. we were making fun of sam that the moment he called, she came cuz it's true, when we message her, she always take very long to reply. for him, it's an almost immediate reply. haha. she's still the same. as smart and as hardworking. she was off to tuition at 5pm. look up to her sometimes. i can never be that determined to work so hard, that's why my results like shit. haiz.

shit. can't remember what i wrote just now. thinking thinking...

oh. as usual the feeling today was different from the feeling yesterday. today i feel like it's like i'm closer to the people present today then to the people present yesterday. which is not totally true since i hardly know hl and ned. but i just feel this way. if i tell sha, she sure will wanna kill me. she will sure say how can like this. but can't help thinking the way i do right?

and ned isn't that good-looking. a little above average. wonder why those two trailed after him. make them seem so... i know it's mean, but it makes them seem so pathetic. really. i can't stand it. and j's results suffered cuz of him while his is still so good. what crap.

asked my dad to fetch us home at 6.30pm. was bad-mouthing about my sis to sam and she heard it. don't really care cuz what i said was true anyway but if she heard the other things we said then die already cuz sam mentioned about ky. oh well, don't think she did cuz being so big-mouth, she would have said something if she did hear anything. pau said she's very subborn. my sis refused to move in when i asked her to. so pau, hl and ned had to squeeze. and sam actually said she was cute. oh my.

went to thaiexpress to eat dinner. is my mum's birthday you see. ate crab again. chicken wings. now my thoat hurts. too much heaty stuff and chocolate. the cookies especially. won't be surprised if i got a sore thoat tomorrow.

shit. was supposed to do homework. but cuz my entry got cancelled, i spent time rewriting. and it's 10 now. time to watch tv. homework die already. oh my. i'm so slack! damn it. why can't i be as hardworking as irene? sheesh. i totally got no will power. i cant miss smallville! argh!

gotta go. gonna be a long time till we visit ms g again. her house is so nice. neat and nice. a little too big for just two people though. hope she has kids soon. she seems like she will be a good and fun mother.

school tomorrow. sighz. so not looking forward to it. damn. i'm gonna miss today tomorrow.

=(

JoC was confused at 10:04 PM

-•- Sunday, July 06, 2003

crap. shit. damn. whatever.

i'm right after all. how could i ever doubted that i was wrong? he's not going. it's his friend's birthday tomorrow, you see, so of cuz it's more important. here's somehow how the sms went.

j: "sorry. tml my fren's bdae, duno if we going to celerate not."
me: "... watever... u wana go u go, u dun wana go u dun go..."
j:"hey, sorry lah... wat's up w u?"
me:"nvm... juz tat u r nv free when we ask u out..."
j:"it's not my fault that i'm always not free when you all go out."
me:"ya... tat's y i say nvm..."
no reply anymore.

yep. it went on something like that. spoilt my mood totally. was actually having quite a nice time with OM people and daddy. but after the sms i sent him, i was in a bad mood. well not really actually. just didn't feel like talking. add on to the fact that i was tired. the only thing i felt like doing was to play with my left-over food. daddy kept asking me to stop playing, joked about it, what if ms N here, will ask me don't waste food. not so not in the mood to joke with them. i just wanted to hole myself up. i'm so sick of this. couldn't he just make an effort instead of saying "sorry, i'm busy" each freaking time? and why do i still bother to ask when each time i know the freaking answer? i'm such a bloody idiot man. maybe i should just get a clue. argh! (ok. i know it sounds like i like him, rest assure, i don't. just that it would be nice to be able to see a long-time friend again. pau would get what i mean.)

anyway shall say about good thing first. we went NYDC to eat. it's daddy's treat cuz he lost a bet with us. it was under $100. i had thought we would have spent more. anyway before that the OM people and me went to watch Charlie's Angels. it's really funny. if only i watched it at the end of the day. wouldn't be feeling so depressed now. just that i have so many things bottled up that i can't say. as i was saying, we went to nydc to eat. before daddy came, we were playing with the pooh figures that they turned from those ball machine. ya. childish but fun. and the toys fell into the glass of water. haha. we were right next to the waiter's station and he was highly amused with us. we were so attention attracting. as usual. not meaning to though, it just happened. haha. and he replaced a glass without us asking. oh and he's quite cute. the other waiter called willy also. heehee. and daddy finally came at 4pm. ordered food. made fun of sha. ate. talked a little. wasn't as nice as those times we had at U of Colorado mess hall. those were the best. we were always so hyper then. i miss it so much. there, there wasn't any troubles expect thinking will our performance be good. left at 6 plus i think. didn't really notice the time. told you i wasn't in the mood already.

argh. i really feel down now. all things add up. jaz. wondering what will happen tomorrow. my mum's birthday tomorrow and that i'll be going out, i feel quite bad. --they were eating steamboat today. i think it could be to celebrate my mum's birthday cuz there's lots of food and we only eat steamboat on special occassion.-- oh shit it. now i feel even worse. thousand times worse. i feel so lousy now. i just need one more freaking thing and i think it'll just push me to the edge. really. i can't deal with feelings stuff well. too much emotions and i'll crack. don't laugh, or i'll whack you. it's not funny at all.

i noticed that i could see stars from my window afterall. just that i didnt try hard enough to see. there you have it. if you try hard enough, things can be possible. shows how much you try to put effort in it. was sitting on the hanging chair. made me dizzy after a while though. sighz. nothing seem to go well today. the chair i like actually makes me dizzy. still feelings dizzy.

my mood just keeps sinking. i feel that i should stay home tomorrow. been out till very late yesterday and today. but i wanna go ms g's house. ARGH! i don't wanna make my mum think i don't care. i do. i spent quite long searching for her present. it's from body shop. not very cheap can. hope she likes it. sighz.

depressed.

why cant people just put in some effort? why must i always be the one to try to change to fit into whatever they want? i just don't wanna complicate stuff, so i try to mold myself into whatever will make people happy. i stop myself from saying things i want cuz i know it will make people unhappy, make things worse, cuz i made things worse before and i don't want it to happen again. but what about myself? no one bothers. really. yet i still bother. i think i'm so dumb.

shit it. damn. i still havent told my mum i'm going out tomorrow. how to tell her? she will scold me i think. and i still have lots of homework undone. was thinking of staying up today to finish but based on my mood now, i just feel like sitting in the dark, doing nothing but staring at the stars.

depressed. in the dumps. lowest of the lowest. 'whatever' i always say. but i always can't make myself do the 'whatever' thing. this is so totally crap.

;(

JoC was confused at 10:43 PM

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