[ everything behind me seems so insignificant / lost in my confusion ]
- Kim Anderson's Works
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- OM
[ there are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. and when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand. - "someone like you"]
rain rain come and stay
i was hoping it rains tonight. i love it when it's raining at night. dont ask me why. i just cant explain it.
i love wind. It messes up my hair but i love it anyway. each time the wind blows, it blows that little bit of my sadness away.
the people you are with really affects how much fun you have. When i'm with certain people, it doesnt matter what i'm doing with them, i just will have a good time. in the company of some others, it seems that we are all trying hard to enjoy ourselves. it isnt as if fun comes naturally. i dont wanna feel this way, but sadly feeling like this is not something that can be helped.
sometimes i really feel as if everything between some of my friends and me is forced. a invisible wall seems to be around each and every one of us. no one talks about it, but i'm sure we all know of its existance. we are probably just ignoring that fact, prefering to believe in the goodness of it all.
am i being two-faced for thinking this?
when we were young, we said dumb things like, "i dont friend you already!" true. it does sound stupid to us now, but at least then we were truthful about friends. when we dont like someone, we showed it. as we grow older, we hide our dislike, still smiling and greeting the person as they walk by. as someone once told me, "it's better to build bridges than to burn them." but it is so much like hiding a dagger behind the smile. and it worries me more than you will ever know. i long for the simple inter-people relationships again.
on days like this, i think about retreating into a shell, getting away from it all, living life alone. but useless me just have to have people's company. cuz i'm just too afraid to be alone. see the irony?
i wished you were the wind. so that each time the wind blows, i can feel you brushing across my face.
=(
JoC was confused at 11:49 PM
trust
suddenly thought of an entry jl once wrote. DTA - Dont Trust Anyone. that is his policy.
well, i do trust people. i just need time, lots of time. if you are reading this blog cuz i told you about it, trust me, i have thought much about it before revealing it. readership here is less than 10 and i intend to keep it that way. that's how hard it is for me to trust.
trust is fragile. maybe that is why i'm afraid to trust. i might be chattier to people now, but most of the things i say are just crap. ask me about personal stuff, things close to the heart, i clam up. or i laugh it off.
if you are here, you are someone i trust. well, thanks for being a person i can trust.
side-track: i think i'm really bad at prioritizing my time. so please forgive me if i'm neglecting spending time with you k? i'm trying to learn.
=|
JoC was confused at 11:57 PM
i have been thinking for quite some time about how weird my inter-personal relations with people are. seriously, if you hear how i describe the relationships between me and people around, you would agree. all of it just dont seem right. but sadly, that's the way it has to be.
anyway, common tests are finally over. my teachers are very efficient cuz i already got back my first paper - physics. needless to say, i failed it. To think my goal was to at least pass everything. haha.
And doggie finally got back his memory. it was getting on my nerve when each time i say hi, he goes, "do i know you?" but he's ok now. he can be so weird sometimes. anyway, i was talkin to him online. coincidentally, both jl and him were talking about guys liking girls.
is it possible to make yourself not like someone? the way i see it, the more you wanna forget someone, the more you tend to think about him/her, so the best is just to leave it as it is, and hopfully he/she will slowly slip out of your mind.
it seems like we always have to question ourselves constantly about our own emotions. if we cant even be sure ourselves, how could we expect others to know or understand? we go back and forth, pondering the same questions, switching between the different answers, making ourselves more confused than ever. it has gotten to the point where i'm sick and tired to think, so i just leave it hanging somewhere and get on with life. i mean, it wouldnt have made a difference if i did come to a conclusion. nothing ever does.
thanks for the bbq on sat pau. i really had fun. the food was great and the company was special. i'm really glad for friends like them. the friends who would bring a smile to my face no matter how tired i am. when you think of the stuff they do, you just cant help grinning. haha.
mum's birthday tomorrow. i better remember to get home early.
=
JoC was confused at 11:35 PM
